Archive for the ‘F** This’ Category

So I just read that a legislator from Chicago wants to have that city declared America’s 51st state.  I like Chicago.  I ran the marathon there last year and look for any opportunity to point out that I did.  I like Chicago but this feels more like a New York City move.

There is no city in the world more narcissistic than New York.  Every TV show has to be set there, every movie has to be set there.  Jeter is “the best shortstop ever” because he plays there whereas he would be “the most okay shortstop ever” if he was on the Brewers.  Yet you can’t piss on the sidewalk in New York without hitting some resident (also pissing on the sidewalk) assuring you that you are both pissing on the sidewalks of the “best city in the world!”.

Yes, New York is the best city in the world…provided you’ve never been to London.  Or Barcelona.  Or Dubai.  or San Francisco.  Or any number of other cities that are equal to or better than New York.  Besides, is this purely an American affliction?  The constant declaration of one land mass to be superior to another?  I mean, if one place is really cool eventually what made it cool get watered down with a bunch of posers showing up to bask in that reflected light (I’m looking at you, NYC.  Maybe you were cool in the ’70’s but now you’re just a bunch of dudes in Yankee hats who really wish they lived in Jersey).  It isn’t the capital of the world, it isn’t the capital of America and I’m pretty sure it’s not even the capital of New York state.

But I digress, my point is that this lobbying for statehood seems like something directly out of the New York City playbook.  ‘Hey, we’re the best city in the world, we should be a state.  Red Sox suck!’ and I for one expect better of my midwestern states/cities.  I live on the East Coast, these types of things are expected of us.  We are the A-hole first born of the nation; entitled, lazy, declining in actual power.  But, Chicago, you are the capital of our middle siblings; reliable, steady and genuinely nice (I bet you say hi to Iowa every time you see them, right?), you are expected to just be decent and not rock the boat.  Or at least not rock the boat for an idea so foolish that New Yorkers haven’t even come up with it yet.

Just to finish the analogy, the West Coast is like the younger sibling that nobody really knows who is off “doing something with computers” who shows up for a family dinner last night with a spouse no one knew about and a million dollars that no one can account for.

Anyway, Chicago, surely you know that you are free to do what ever you want but proceed with the knowledge that should you pursue this is will be at the risk of losing the silent respect of anonymous blogger and ask yourself if you are willing to sacrifice that.

Besides, would the map then have Illinois, like wrapped around the state of Chicago?  Ridiculous!




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F** Your Dog

Ok, ok, calm down.  I don’t hate dogs.  In fact, I have always considered myself  a “dog person” having grown up with a dog as the family pet.  I do not have a problem with dogs in general.

My problem is with people who treat their dogs like children, but specifically those who do this with a permissive parenting style.  It is these people who think it’s cute when their unruly mutt sniffs your crotch or jumps up on you.  “Oh look, he likes you!”, they’ll say.  Well, I say, “F** your dog.”  Learn how to control it.

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If you read tabloids or even watch the news, you will see much mention of the Hollywood Hills.  It is an enclave of celebrity housing and thought to be very exclusive and glamorous.  Well, I am here to tell you, the Hollywood Hills suck.

I was duped by the supposed glamour of the Hills when I first moved here and actually lived in Laurel Canyon for 6 months. It was more inconvenient and stressful than I ever could have imagined.  I couldn’t take a left out of my driveway because the road was too windy and people go 50 mph around the bends.  So, in order to head down to Hollywood from my apartment, I would have to head in the opposite direction, take a right up another tight and windy road and coast down through the Mt. Olympus estate, which is essentially a 70% grade hill.  I blew through my brake pads in no time.  Also, it was impossible to have guests come and visit because there is nowhere to park.  Since there are virtually no sidewalks, walking also is an not an option unless you have a death wish.

Luckily, now, I do not have much reason to stop in the Hills, but since I live in the San Fernando Valley, if I want to to Hollywood or the West Side, traveling over one of the Canyon roads is a necessity.  As I was doing this on Friday, I was thinking about how much I hate these roads and that the people who live in the Hills have to be partly crazy. Especially those weirdos whose houses are half grounded and half on stilts. This, in a region known for earthquakes and mudslides.

I also saw a guy on a small side street, waiting to take a left onto the main road.  With the steady stream of traffic in both directions — in addition to the fact that it’s so windy, it’s pretty hard to see what’s coming — I wonder if, two days later, he isn’t still waiting.

Another big gripe I have with the Hills is the lack of user-friendliness.  One thing I do like about Los Angeles is the grid system.  Most roads are logically laid out North-South/East-West.  It makes perfect sense.  The Hills make no sense whatsoever.  If you take a wrong turn or are lost, you really do have to pull a three-point turn (or a ten-point, really, because the roads are so narrow) and go back the way you came; assuming you can go the equivalent of “around the block” to get back where you came from is something I’ve fallen for more than once, and it has never, ever worked to my advantage. I’m lucky I’m not still driving around up there right now. 

For all of this, I say, f** the Hollywood Hills.

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