Not that it matters, since I seem to be down to writing once a year, which is very, very sad. Although now I seem to have all sorts of time on my hands, so maybe I will be writing more. I promise nothing.
Why should I re-name the blog? Because none of the writers live on the west coast anymore. That’s right – twynne (i.e., me), native New Englander and Hater of Winter, has moved back home to Boston. After 13+ years in Los Angeles, I made the pilgrimage back home. As I sit and write this, I am in the office in my parents’ house, where I and my dachshund are living, looking out the window at a blooming dogwood tree that I had suggested my parents plant over 17 or so years ago. They don’t listen to me often, but they did then, and today I am happy for it. It’s a lovely tree.
Why did I move? My six-year relationship ended pretty much out of the blue one day in January, and it really made me question my life and where I am in it. I just turned 40 (woohoo!) in October. My job at the movie studio I called home for over 12 years (10 years in my job and then an additional 1 year before that as an intern while in school) was nice, but a lot had changed and I found myself going nowhere fast under new management who didn’t see the value I added to the team. I believe this is what is called a “cross roads” in life. With no prospect of moving forward at work, and no relationship keeping me tied to a specific location, I thought to myself, “Where do I want to be?” The ex and I had been talking about moving to Portland, OR, sometime this year. It’s a place we had visited last year and I totally fell in love with it and really pictured us living there and enjoying life. But it wasn’t something I envisioned doing on my own. If I wasn’t going to be in LA, then I wanted to come home. After my divorce in 2009, I did the whole “starting over” thing. It was tough, but I did it. I learned a lot about myself (I thought), set myself up in my own apartment, and made all new friends because my ex-husband somehow stole all of our mutual ones and I found myself with very few people in my life. I don’t think it would have been this difficult this time around. My ex and I have a lot of mutual friends, and I don’t think any of them were going to take sides like that. And honestly, if they did, they would have been on mine since most everyone agreed he had made a grave mistake. I’m not even sure if that’s true anymore, I just knew I couldn’t handle the thought of finding another place on my own (but also with my dog – obviously she is my baby and stays with me) and constantly worrying about social engagements. After getting an invitation, asking, “Will XX be there?” What if he starts dating someone new and I had to see him and his new girlfriend hanging out among all of our friends? The idea of it was just unbearable. This all went through my head in a span of 10 minutes, by the way. After he finished his whole speech about not being in love with me and not wanting to spend the rest of his life with me, I think the first words out of my mouth were, “I’m moving home.”
There just seemed to be something really cathartic about coming home again. Maybe I’ve seen too many Hallmark Channel movies. I still really, really hate Winter and am not looking forward to it. Luckily I got here at pretty much the beginning of Spring, so I have a while before I need to deal with it and plenty of time to mentally prepare.
I didn’t line up a job before moving home. A very good and smart friend of mine suggested maybe I should just pick a day and go, regardless of employment. Her point was this: at the end of my apartment lease, if I still didn’t have a job to go to in Boston, what would I do? Find another place and have to move within LA before moving home? Her words were, “Can you move home without a job?” And as soon as she said it, I realized I could. Because of all of my health problems, I’m always nervous to not have health care, and I was spoiled with great health care through my last job. But now with the Affordable Care Act, that’s less of an issue. I had money saved (for that tropical vacation I’ve been dreaming of for 15 years…someday), plus a refund from my taxes, plus an unexpected bonus from work. So I have a financial cushion to live on while I job hunt and get myself settled, and a back up health care plan to help bridge the gap. I plotted my exit from work carefully and planned a road trip from LA to Boston with a good friend that took 9 days and cost a whole lot more money than I had wanted to spend, but you don’t get many chances in life to make a trip like that (although, truthfully, I had done it on the way out to LA). My dog and I got here almost 2 months ago. My parents are thrilled. They really are gems, and I am so lucky to have them. I am 40, with no job and not a whole lot to my name, and rather than making me feel like a loser and failure, they welcomed me with open arms into their home, which they made sure to point out is my home now too. Very lucky indeed.
Of course, without a job and my own place to live, I don’t need anyone else to make me feel like a loser and a failure because I feel like that all on my own. Hopefully I will get a job soon, figure out my living situation and shake off the funk before Winter gets here, because if I don’t do it by then, I’m totally screwed.
So new blog names? My East Coast Mid-Life Cris? 40 and Nowhere? I’ll think on it.