Honey, you ask? Yes, honey. The stuff made by bees that comes in a plastic bottle shaped like a bear. You might think to yourself, “Why would she be telling people how to use honey? Isn’t it a no-brainer?” Well, yes, it should be. But it seems that some people might need a tutorial on how to properly put honey into a drink or on food without getting honey drippings all over the outside of the bottle.
I am a big fan of chamomile tea with honey in it. I drink at least 2-3 cups during an average work day. Quite often, when I go to pick up the honey when I am in the kitchen, the outside of the bottle is sticky and covered with honey drippings. This has never happened to me when I’ve used a bottle of honey, so I’m unsure of what the problem is and why there are people in this world who can’t manage to use the bottle of honey without getting it all over the outside of the bottle. I had chalked this up to some lame person on the floor where I work, until today. Today I went down to the Commissary to make my tea rather than making it in our little snack kitchen. The honey bottle downstairs by the tea was also covered in honey on the outside (of course, you can’t really see this, so you are not aware until you pick up the bottle and your hand is immediately sticky). I realized that this is not the work of one lone, remedial culprit on my floor, but rather a widespread epidemic-level problem. As a public service to this country and society at large, I henceforth instruct you on how to use a bottle of honey:
1) Pick up bottle.
2) Take cap off.
3) Turn upside down.
4) Squeeze desired amount of honey on food/into drink.
5) Wait approximately .0000523 of a second for the honey to stop dripping out of the spout.
6) Turn bottle upright, replace cap, and set down.
7) If you fail to execute any of these steps correctly, you should drop the honey, go home immediately, sit in the dark and feel very bad about yourself indeed for being so inept that you cannot properly use a bottle of honey.
You’re welcome, America.