So yesterday I wake up and “Amy Poehler” is the number one trending thing on Yahoo. It usually means one of three things when a woman is trending that high:
A). she is pregnant
B). she is getting married/divorced
C). she is going to be naked in something
Now, as a point of clarification, I love Amy Poehler. Not in the way the rest of you think you love Amy Poehler but in a way that is sacred and honest and mutual. I think we have a lot in common; she is a smart and sexy and one of the funniest people on the planet. These adjectives could also be fairly applied to me. And have been. By me.
Smart: I just assume she’s smart because she wears a suit on TV and I assume I’m smart because you don’t know what I got on my SATs an[d I”m very, good with punctuation?
Sexy: Just search an image of her. As for me? I have had sex with two women. Not at the same time. I’m not really sure how that works.
Funny: She carried SNL for two years and is the cornerstone of “Parks and Rec”, the funniest show on TV right now. As for me, once when my boss asked for a copy of my passport, I photocopied the front cover and he thought I did it on purpose. What?
Plus we are both from the suburbs of Boston and I think we can all agree that people from inside 128 shouldn’t marry those from without. Especially not GOB.
Since we all agree that Amy Poehler and I are made for each other, two of the three possible reasons for her trending on Yahoo work to my favor. If she’s having another kid, this is a minus since it will likely only further cement her bond with What’s-his-name? Her first husband?
If it is C, then, yeah, I’ll look then erase the history on my computer before my wife gets home.
But, if it’s B, we are in business. My wife was fully aware of two things when she married me: 1). this union is only a way-station until Amy comes calling and 2). I’m going to want alimony.
So immediately I close my kid’s door so I’m not bothered by his crying then click through to see why she is trending so high.
The headline did not read:
Amy Poehler to be naked in “MacBeth” remake! (she would be a great Lady MacBeth)
Amy Poehler is knocked-up! (the condition not a remake)
Amy Poehler leaving that guy for hot stay-at-home dad who doubled in his last at-bat in high school?
Because if it had I would have been furious it didn’t mention my rbi.
But instead was a link to something called Broad City, it was a video that was basically two women humorously running through the streets of New York in search of a cookie. About halfway through PoehlerBear joins them for a block then gets waylaid by a guy with some produce. Spoiler!
Not the funniest thing I’ve ever seen but I chuckled. So I give them another chance. I go to the Broad City website and watch a few shorts. This is where things turn for the worse. And I’m not blaming you, Amy.
One of these shorts is about how the women of Broad City act when they’re tending to their toilet at work. It’s funny enough but I watch it and forget about it.
The day passes and my wife comes home from work. She sits our three-year-old down and tells him he can watch Tow Mater from “Cars” on YouTube.
Wife: Ah, Michael? What is this?
On YouTube in the section marked “Recommended for You” are ten videos of women going to the bathroom.
My wife puts up with a lot from me. She never rolls her eyes when I insist that we abolish the phone book. She lets me tell people that cargo pants are a conspiracy from the cell phone companies. She indulges, what she refers to, as a “celebrity crush” on Amy Poehler (though I disagree with that terminology since I don’t consider myself a celebrity).
But apparently YouTube insinuating that my internet time is spent engaging in some sort of deviant fetishism is her breaking point. And, in her defense, the above story is pretty implausible especially if you tell it backwards. Though, perhaps, just so implausible as to prove it’s validity. Right?
So, in conclusion, my time on the internet is more or less over when I finish this email or my wife realizes I’m not in bed. Though I think she’s going to be pretty upset if she come down and finds me huddled in the dark at the computer.
Tell Amy Poehler that I love her and I regret nothing!